Swimming

If I ever had to describe falling in love with someone I would describe it as scary yet refreshing . It makes you feel alive. 

It's like when you first step into a pool or the ocean ,at first it startles you as you go in.

But the deeper you go the more at ease you feel.

The fear of trusting someone with your heart fades.

Those chills from your cold feet feeling the sensation of the water have warmed up & you're ready to go swimming.

The heart is ready ,ready to love ,ready to love like no other.

Eccedentesiast

Behind the smile is eternal denial 

Everything's not okay but I hide behind the smile. 

Everybody has a struggle ,everybody faces diversity ,but I'd rather keep my hurt ,to me.

Everything's not okay but I hide behind this smile.

I try to stay optimistic although sometimes I can get narcissistic ,but who wouldn't when things are at an all time low.

Yet still I hide behind my smile ,for me it's my external denial .

To the world is says everything is okay ,as for me ,it just helps me get thru the day.

Wolf in sheep's clothing

Picture perfect words from the devil himself.

He will tell you everything you want to hear so that you don't doubt yourself.

He will feed on your soul and by the time you realize it , its fatal for he has control .

There's no turning back once you give in to the havoc.

He'll have you running back for more because now you're an addict.

You're his puppet & only God can bring you back.

Scattered Critic

The walls are closing in on me , my spirit is slowly being crushed . I don't know how much more I can take I feel like I'm losing control of my own fate. When I look at myself & my life , I beginning to hate myself , self hate.

The Crush.

Constantly on my mind even when I'm thinking about something else you always seem to find a way back inside my mind.

Thoughts of you seem to be contagious and i guess I know why . You're a great guy. I'm infatuated with your heart , I admire your mind ,whenever I'm having a bad day ..your words are ever so kind& seem to ease my mind . Even when I'm sleep you're still on my mind ,you've invaded my dreams & possibly my heart but if I tried to tell I wouldn't know where to start.

Hope

Its to the point where  everything is going wrong that could possibly go wrong .

My life is beginning to feel like one of those depressing love songs.

Life is full of disappointments and I'm looking for the antidote .

Feels like im dying slowly, there are hands around my throat .

I'm overwhelmed ,I can't swim ,I'm diving in  I'm going to drown . 

I'm in a cave full of darkness trying to grasp that light of hope.

Ecstasy

This is my first time here in ecstasy.

I'm not quite sure what to expect ,he begins to kiss me on the lips then proceeds to my neck .

I'm not sure how this will go so I follow his lead .

Clothes disappear & I wrap my legs around him for protection , I can feel his nature , now we're truly connected .

Pleasure uncontainable and moans begin to spill out my mouth .

I try not to make too much noise but on the inside I just wanna scream and shout .

Draft

Tears upon my face ,and youre the reason that they're there. You're the reason that I smile and yet the reason for my tears. Heartache ...the heart's  worst fear.

The phase

Out of sight out of mind only works to a certain extent, you see the mind is very complex. Repression turns into aggression or depression , if someone brings you up I realize I'm still angry & hurt & then the tears began to burst from my face like a unpredicted rainstorm and you know what ,when it rains it pours .

Flashback

I was constantly trying to make this fairy tale work ,but in reality all I got was hurt .I fooled myself into thinking things could go back to how they used to be but if we're meant to be then we would be, but things change and so do people . I've learned you can't control what they do . ..

Stranger in My home

What's the point if I'm the only one fighting ? You can care all you want but you're not even trying. Allegedly a significantly other but your actions say otherwise . Perhaps it's time we cut all ties.
This house is not a home is cliche , but I am living with a stranger , I don't even know who you are anymore .Perhaps the locks to the door need changing ,for I don't see the point in living with you anymore

Freewrite #3

Every now and then I reach a state of hopelessness
A state of mind where I feel confined and I can't escape my troubles
And so I think of a way I could get away from it all but nothing ever seems to cringe
I feel like finding a way to stop everything once and for  all ,I just want to go numb.
I just don't want to feel at all.

freewrite #2

A heart can only take so much abuse before it turns to stone,
Tired of heartache so one decides to walk alone
Being alone makes you stronger so they say, but how many people do hear praise the single life , not many. And yet even those in relationships still go astray playing with their partner's heart and taking trust for granted? all for what some sleazy sex that I would hope leaves one feeling guilty and disgusted with themselves....if not well maybe their heart has already turned to stone, they say it is a cycle .....good guy turned asshole.

Free Write

He's as great as he wants to be amazing to say the least, but not always ,only when he wants to be.
Mannerisms down to a science he cant hide it, he's a young gentlemen, my lover and my best friend.
At times we clash with words that should go unheard but you cannot always control word vomit, there isn't always a way to stop it.
Two years full of emotions ,both good and bad, at times we we're happy other times incredibly sad, but still we stay together due to a love that can never be undone.
Apart we are like lost puzzle pieces, together we complete the puzzle, we can see the picture perfect.
We always know that through all at the end we, as in us are still worth it.

A Letter to my Brother

Dear brother I am writing you this letter
In hopes that one day you will choose to live better
You see I don't want to see you locked behind bars
Trying to get to this street money and fast cars
Why? When your potential could be used for so much more?
It's never too late to change
but one looks at age and grows ashamed .
Because nobody wants to make minimum wage .
But you have to remember everybody has to start somewhere .
Everybody that has achieved success has suffered and then been blessed.
But your life is worth much more than this temporary lifestyle
I just wish you could see what I see in you some way, some how.
This is a letter to my brother
soon these streets will have claimed another
I just hope you realize this before your life gets cut short,
By an enemy behind a trigger or a judge sentencing you life in court.
Dear brother I'm writing you this letter,
but I can only pray that one day you'll choose live your life better.

Reality Vs. Disappointment

No relationship is perfect because with love comes pain.
If a relationship never goes through any pain, it doesn't have anything to lose because it has never gained.I want to know through the ups and downs you'll still stick around. Can I count on you to be there when I'm down on my luck and just about given up, will you let me fall or help me to get back up?Will you confide in me when you're facing problems so we can face them together or will you push me away leaving me hanging like a stray? Relationships face obstacles but depending on the bond, the love can be unstoppable if you let it, will you let it? Will you meet me half way? Or will I wake up one day to loneliness and heartache ?



-Shoutout to Tamar Turner for the title (@spacedin_marss ),thank you I appreciate it.😊

Childhood Memories

Age of innocence , Im still a little girl growing up in what I would soon find out is an ugly world.
Momma's got a new boyfriend , he's about to be her husband
I'm glad she's finally found herself a suitable companion, after all everybody deserves a happily ever ending.
Life seemed like a utopia everything was great but this did not last long before it became a dystopia.
It started out with restrictions Im no longer allowed to do this nor this.
Then things got worse he began to constantly yell and curse.
To add to my nightmare he began giving beatings like a slave he beat me until I was senseless, why did momma allow this to go on?
While that was a pain to me nothing was a bad as what he had in store a few years ahead .
Once I hit puberty he began to develop a liking to me, where's momma? She's not around. She can't hear my screams of terror, it's like a TV on mute she never heard a sound.
I'll tell her what he's done to her one and only daughter , but momma chooses to listen to the words and ignore her, it's her husband over her.
Years go by and she's still married to a man that she allowed verbally, physically, and sexually abuse me.
I will never understand why momma would let him do this to me.

2nd Chances

Let's create moments of nostalgia together so we can reminisce in awe.
Laugh with me, cry with me, fight with me, don't love me for who I am but love me in spite of me.
Let this journey take us unto everlasting bliss, let's start all over and forgive any unfortunate events.
Let's travel this adventure and ,make every experience well worth it, priceless.
Let us never become a numb love , lifeless.
Love never dies people are just quick to call it quits, they give up on hope and leave the heart in a split.
Let us be the love that lasts forever never die, for the heart can never lie.
Lets take another chance and enhance this ever so addicting romance.
Let's define unconditional love.

Untitled

You promised me if I gave you all of me ,things would get better for us spiritually,
not only that but that you would do better by me.
Even that we'd get married, guess that was a promise that will go unmarried.
Now we're apart and I feel ripped off , because you told me to trust you and let go,
I did it now look where we are...
I thought we'd grow old together but you left my heart trembling in hopeless endeavor
I thought I'd found my one and only, my first and my last
but instead yet again you've became a painful memory of my past.

Post Love

Wondering if you're feeling like I do, do you feel the same way that I do?
How could a love so true become undone and untrue?
Are we on the same page or on two different chapters?
Will this love ever be able to become a happily ever after?
I'm missing the part of my heart that makes me feel whole, Im just wondering the earth like a meaningless soul.
I know I hurt you but it was only out of spite of you hurting me too.
You say I love you I let the cat get my tongue
I won't let you have the pleasure of knowing my heart is forever sprung.
How I feel will remain the same even if its disguised physically , it's still there ...on the inside.

The trial

Lies, acussations, hurt and mistakes
You're blaming me for my mistrust that you helped to create
Lie after lie,and bullshit excuses,
yeah I understand that people make mistakes,
but the chances I give you, you seem to be abusing
Mistake after mistake, becomes a bad habit
These symptoms aren't good it means youre an addict
You try to turn it around make it seem like its me
How dare you belittle my character make it seem like im crazy,
When you're the contributor to the mind state of me.
Lies, accusations, hurt, and mistakes
With all the evidence together this is a solid case
You can plead your innocence.... but the evidence proves your guilty
You have low credibility...
Im not your first victim this isnt your first offense
You seem to have a pattern, you've picked up a bad habit.
The prosecution rests...case closed...the trial is over.

Devil's Tease

Trampled in your arms but you won't let me go, I want to escape your deadly fate.
What are you, I define you as temptation, the devil's ultimate tease.
The devil's tease is any form of temptation to do bad things that you know are wrong and so you try to stay strong.
But you see everybody's temptation is different, they all look for a different sensation.
Whether its that needle in your vain, to release you from your everyday pain
Or a quick fix because your sick of your girlfriends bullshit
But why do we do bad things when when we know lies consequence
Now you're in the hospital or you've broken a heart.
The thing is had you never gave in to temptation in the first place none of these things would be.
Things that come off as good but are evil in disguise, is a called a wolf in sheep's clothing.

Expectations

I'm not trying to give up, trying to live up
....to these things called expectations
Why should I even live up to expectations when in reality I could give a fuck about material things, maybe it's because people judge you if you can afford those material things.
Yet if you can ,one is still judged on how much they do spend.
Life's funny, society is ugly and it's crazy because journey to another nation
If they saw all the money we are  wasting ,
knowing they had nothing at all and still managed happiness would look down upon us as they should for, nothing ever seems to satisfy us, always wanting more and more.
Guess life's a slut with open legs  better yet a whore.

Random Reminisce

I miss your everlasting I love you's
Those words come from your heart
Because of this I put nothing above you,
The fact of the matter is my love for you, it is not containable,
It is infinite.

Innocence Lost

Once pure now tainted,
I allowed you to take it.
Better yet not it, but me as a whole, spiritually.
I thought it would be better for "we"
Now you're gone,and im still here,
But there's nothing left but mere regret in the atmosphere.
Innocence wasted, due to the grant of deception.
I gave you a chance despite your reputation,
am I foolish?  I say No
Naive? No, I was merely an innocent young soul who gave you a chance not to dirty dance with my heart.
Now what do have to show for ,nothing but a hollow spirit and  whatever is left of my soul.

Redemption

I need to redeem myself from that failure.
Its not like  I need to be better than him nor her.
But better than the best me , im in competition with me.
I dont want to be better I want to be what's better than better.